A little lonesome

My software baby has entered a period approaching normality -- I have people back from vacation, from stupid "illnesses", and I've hired a new guy.

As such, I took the last day and a half off.

Turns out the rest of my world is still there, and it all came tumbling down upon me in the last couple of days.

I have three mortgages in "loan modification". Basically a euphemism for "you done fucked up, but so many losers are in the same spot, we'll help you out." Yeah. The deals seem so good I'm seriously considering doing it on the other 5. Or 6. Yeah, I dunno how many mortgages I have. Whatever.

So, like, free money, don't pay for two months and get a LOWER payment? Yeah, that's a real hard decision. Siggh. Somehow I think that, while I'll probably lose my platinum amex, it probably isn't that big of a deal. I feel a little immoral even considering it, but well, shit rolls downhill. Maybe this will make up just a little for all the stupid fucks that seem to think it's ok not to pay their rent. Assholes.

Oh, yeah, and my breakup from 6 weeks ago suddenly seems like it happened yesterday.

I miss her. I didn't think I would. I worked really hard to keep my distance.

Funny thing is... I kept my distance largely because I "just knew". Only, if you make the call before you start, does that effect the outcome? Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that?

The 200 things I didn't like about her (it's Kim, for posterity) keep coming to mind and seem ever more trivial. Pretty silly. I miss her, so her flaws seem less important, yet if she were here, and we'd just spent the weekend together, and I was pondering what I would be doing if she were more (whatever), I'd be resenting her. er... "resent" is too strong a word. Just... taking her for granted. And perhaps lacking in patience.

Yeah. It's me. I know. A lot of help knowing that does.

Patty says I hate my mother and won't trust/love/be with any woman until I settle that.

She's surely correct in part. But then, you know... duh.

Last weekend we had a conversation after a "friend" busted me a new asshole because I had a penis. It's a long story that is of little consequence... suffice it to say that I met a freshly divorced gal who was attracted to me. And then, before I realized that she went to Stanford and got an MD solely so the passing public wouldn't see the glowing neon sign behind her head saying "I truly believe I'm incredibly stupid and have to be the smartest person in the room in order to feel at all human", I went ahead and showed my brain to her.

And they say I'm difficult. Oh my god. I think I'd have preferred if she just socked me in the jaw. At least then I would've realized what a bitch she was right away. It took me a half hour before it sunk in with that whole words/attitude thing. Psssh.

But anyway. I'm babbling because I'm a little buzzed. If you're reading... lol. I want to call the three of you out by name and say hello! Ok, I won't. Sorry for digressing.

Anyway. Patty was telling me that she had had a hard life, implying that I shouldn't take it to heart, that I'm a bigger person, bleah bleah blah.

It was well intended. I'm ok with it. I'm also proud of what I said.

"Yeah, well, we all have demons, but you don't rip someone a new one within ten minutes of meeting them for no reason.

"At some point, you are an adult. You are no longer your father's son. You are responsible for your own bullshit, your own drama, your own anger, and your own negativity to the outside world.

"At some point, it is not daddy's fault that you didn't go to college, that you have no friends, and that you are a depressed little fuck. Grow up, take some good drugs, get your dick wet, and move the fuck on.

She pointed out that I date dozens of women every year and have hurt many of them.

I replied, "Yeah, but I don't lead them on. I don't become "boyfriend" and make commitments unless I'm really gonna try. I tell them I'm flawed, and more often than not I actually just break it off. I turn down good sex, good times, and super hot arm candy because I know I'm gonna hurt them sooner or later. I can't tell you how many times I've done it."

"And that was NOT was I saw tonight. That shit was wrong. That wasn't 'I'm really conflicted because I hate all men right now, yet I wonder what you look like naked and I'm gonna be adversarial as a result.' That was mean. That was evil. And in my angriest moments, in my most hurt states, I'm not that person. I'm not that bad."

Ugh. Mental masturbation. No one cares. Not even me. Although, it may be a blessing that crazy bitch wasn't a blonde. I might have absorbed a bit more of that mind fuck.

So anyway.

I haven't written in ages. Being busy is a bit of a blessing, I suppose.

I suppose the elephant in the room that I'm trying to circumnavigate is simply that I miss my ex-girlfriend. I miss the crazy chick I only let myself get close to because I didn't think enough of her to be afraid of hurting her. A little.

WOW. So, I let a house go into foreclosure this year. It was underwater, the mortgage wasn't in my name, bleah bleah... it's complicated. The important part is that I collected rent on that place for 9 months before the bank repo went through. If only, if only, huh?

Thing is... the guy I rented it to was fucking NUTS. Run over his chick in the car, get sent to jail, it's ok, here, shake her hand, it's all good now kinda nuts. Yeah. For real. The no-way-in-hell tenant.

Except I went ahead and rented to them. Because, like, who cares? Your getting a good rental rate, it's a nice place, and in 6 months your life will be utter chaos with or without me, so WTF?

And it was. Chaos. And it is. I shook his hand the other day. Called myself a pussy and lowered myself to his level for 10 minutes so I can get my washer and dryer back. Yeah, I'm pragmatic.

My point is, of course, that because he's a fucking freak it doesn't seem wrong to be an irresponsible landlord.

And so it is with my girlfriend. Er... ex-girlfriend. She's crazy. I knew that in the first two weeks. I ran like hell. I broke up with her after 2 weeks, on the phone, right before both her birthday and Xmas. Good? Bad? Inhuman? Desensitized? Whatever dude, it was two friggin' weeks. TWO WEEKS. That heartbreak you can feel her having? Um, is that your phone? Oh, hey, it's the eighth grade calling, it wants its hormonal imbalance back. Sheesh.

But we had such chemistry. And she kept coming back for more. And I was busy, but enjoyed her company every other week when she booty-called me. And then, here and there, we went to brunch the next morning. And six months later, I liked having her around. And there you go.

Ugh. A little part of me loved her. Not like I loved (puking a little in my mouth) Laura... nor like Kaitlin. A little more crazy. A little less pure. A little more lustful, a little more sense of "I deserve this chaos, it makes us compatible', a little... sigh. A LOT. She brings my psycho to the surface.

And therein lies, perhaps, a bit of my catharsis. I let myself get close because I didn't respect her. I felt like I deserved her. I felt like it was ok to use her because I knew I was being used. It was ok to not treat her as well as I could, to put the gym and work and myself first, to roll my eyes when friends asked about her, to basically be a bad boyfriend... because I didn't want it to work out.

The part I can't quite get my head around emotionally is that I've had plenty of girls fall in love with me for whom I felt very little. I simply pulled away, troubled, excusing myself before too much time had passed, before habits had formed, before before before.

Sometimes I made them cry. But they were little tears, and I was that guy that got away that wasn't over daddy issues, or just had his priorities maligned, or just needed to grow up a little.

And I'm ok with that.

But this one was a little different. It's not that she deserved to be treated better -- although, upon reflection of my level of affection for her, of course she did. It is the realization that I basically sabotaged it from the beginning.

Sigh.

Patty is wrong. It's not my mother that I need to get over. I don't hate chicks because of Vicky.

I hate chicks because of Laura.

Vicky gets suspicion. She is the reason for "You owe me nurturing. You owe me support and an ego boost". Which isn't so bad, actually. I mean, sure, it's a chip on my shoulder that helps turn off a good chunk of the female population, but it's not really evil nor all the embarrassing. I'm just a guy that needs a little maintenance. Whatever. There are some trust issues there, perhaps, but they are totally just "edgy", not abnormal.

So I won't date a nice girl until I get over Laura. Riiiiiight.

I think I might want to just date another hundred chicks and have a lot of sex for awhile longer.

I guess I just don't really want to get over that yet. No, I don't know why. Yes, it's weird.

Maybe I like it.