1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
"Knowing that there was such a thing as outdoors bred in us a hunger for prosperity, for ownership." (The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison)
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What's there?
Two cups. A Peet's Coffee and a water glass. Both empty.
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
The last TV program I watched was "Smallville" from a couple of weeks ago.
4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
6:50pm
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
6:30pm
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
A faraway vehicle engine.
7. When did you last step outside?
20 mins ago or so.
What were you doing?
Laundry.
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Porn! j/k. Email. Some JavaScript code for a project I'm working on.
9. What are you wearing?
Denim and workout clothes. Waiting for laundry to finish and then heading to the gym.
10. Did you dream last night?
Yes. I woke up a lot.
11. When did you last laugh?
Skating last night.
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Some artwork -- a target special, a naked chick in charcoal (gift), a Goines reprint, and a Snow White litho. Oh, and a tee shirt, but only because it's drip-drying.
13. Seen anything weird lately?
This survey.
14. What do you think of this quiz?
Might not finish it at this rate.
15. What is the last film you saw?
Fight Club. No, not in the theatre.
16.If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
I already am. They don't sell contentment and appreciation at the mall.
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know:
Doesn't #16 cover that? No?
How about, "sometimes I miss my hate"
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Every child would feel loved.
19. Do you like to dance?
You don't get to be good at something unless you like it. Generally speaking, of course.
So, yeah, I kinda like dancing. Heh.
20. George Bush:
Is an idiot and a disgrace to our country, if not to all of humanity.
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
An abortion! (j/k, sorry, dark humor)
"angel" all the time. Her mom could pick the name, though, as long as I got veto authority.
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
These questions are stupid.
23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Been there, done that, absolutely.
24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?
Where the f*** have you been?
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
Are you listening?
There's a girl from my past who awoke me in my sleep tonight. If ESP exists, if there is a faraway mutual dream, then hopefully you'll read this and email me. If not, then may the first date I have this Thursday NOT read this. Because I will have forgotten this nightmare by then. Sigh. I guess I'm leaving it to fate. Posting my feelings on the internet kinda does that, yeah? -- I know that it's just late I'm just feeling sentimental. I know that it's a throwback to even think of you when i'm like this. I know that you were just a great experience that I'll remember fondly. I know that I'm the same. (or at least i hope so) But I can't help it. You treated me so good that no one else compares. You are the songs in my playlist. You are the fairy tale in my dreams. Girls that told me they loved me treated me so badly. And you told me nothing except "we make a good team" and yet treated me soooo good. I want to be the aladdin to your jasmine, showing you the world. I want to share everything with you. I want to be your focus again, because it felt so good in your spotlight. You shone on me with such a brilliance that I hate my life without you in it. You are the everything I've never thought possible, the something I've always wanted, and the nothing I've always ignored. I miss miss miss you so so so much. Why have you gone? Why do I only see you in my dreams? Why?
Today I only had oak floors and cabernet
I woke up today, and it wasn't even Christmas, and I didn't want to get up. Nothing awaited me other than work I didn't want to do. Nothing inspired me to start the day. Nothing. The truth is… that I miss Lauren. That I tasted a life that I've only dreamed about, with a girl that loved me (or treated me better than love has ever felt... oh how so much more pathetic is that...), a family that accepted me, and... Well. That's all, I guess. That's all I want. I suppose the girl has to be attractive and smart, with an accepting attitude that isn't judgmental, but yeah, that's all I want. -- Girls never stay. People never love. Fathers never... anything. I want to die. Today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
What should I do about this?
From an email I got today:
Hope you had a fun New Years. Must admit it's not quite as fun going back to work as it is being on vacation. Hmmm, oh well.
Anyway, I was a little surprised by your phone message from Saturday. I guess really it just seemed like you had/have a lot more stuff going on that you are focused on. I called you last Tuesday, in the course of our playing phone tag, and didn't hear back until Saturday. At that point I just figured I wouldn't hear at all, that you were busy with other stuff.
But also, in your message a couple things struck me. First you asked what I was doing for NYE and where I'd be. I remember we talked about that over dinner at Levende; I told you I was coming back Friday and I even casually invited you to [a club/party]. In all honesty I figured you and your buddies would have something else going on, but it seemed like you at least liked the invitation, and I was glad about that. I knew the party would be a blast and figured you guys would have a good time too. Anyway, I guess I just figured that wouldn't have been forgotten. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter, and there's no reason to speculate. The message made me feel like stuff I had said either didnt matter or just went in one ear and out the other. I'm not trying to make a huge deal about this, because it isn't huge. But it's important to me. And I can't let myself get involved in something where I feel like I'm just one small thing on a large list, because that's not what I want.
That's not the impression I got from you, but I've had past situations where I've let every excuse in the book slide by. I wasted time, I let my feelings get hurt, and most importantly, I'm too smart for that now.
I'm not a high maintenance person; I feel you would know that. But the people that I let into my life are my heart. They are my heart. They are what make me wake up every day and work hard and challenge myself because I love them. And having been walked all over, I have become much more selective, weary I suppose, about letting people in. Because I'm tired of having people say "I love you" and knowing it doesn't mean anything. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. That has never, and will never, change. And I know that the people who I can truly say "I love you" to, mean it back. And I plan to keep it that way. There aren't very many, but that's life I guess.
Remember how on our first date you told me something along the lines of "oh if I meet a girl I like I feel like I always want to call her, and then I do, and it blows up in my face" or something like that? Well screw that. You know why girls do that? Because they are stupid and insecure and don't understand why a decent guy would like them, so when someone actually gives them positive attention they have to mess it up. They only "lose interest" because they don't have the self-respect to understand that that's what they deserve. I know because for a time, I was one of those. And it disgusts me. And now I can be so frank and up front that I think it freaks people out. All my female friends always say, "oooh, that's too straightforward, don't say that, you have to play the game!" Well I hate the game. It's ridiculous. And it just keeps us all rolling around in a spiral of self-doubt and even pity. It is a disgusting waste of time and energy.
And also, I've read some of your blog. I knew that you spoke more intelligently than most people that I've met, and it's clear that the same is true for your writing. Obviously you have a lot to say. I very much respect the fact that you have the courage, and the eloquence, to put your feelings down on paper. Most of the time, I can't even get mine out- whether on paper or to someone's face. I'm very jealous of you for this. And I must say I agree with your point that "happiness is acceptance." But what do you do when you are supposedly accepted by everyone else, and not yourself? And what do you do when you lose the energy to keep your "outside" so bright and shiny, that no one can see the murky darkness that is underneath? Let me just tell you that because I was so incapable of letting anything out that I simply had a meltdown. A nasty, painful, scary meltdown. I had to write about it in an essay for Duke, but they got the sugary, pretty version. So let me reiterate to you, I am jealous that you can put your feelings out there. I commend it. And I hope that, day by day, I get a little better at it.
So there you have a bit more about me. The real, undressed, "messes things up because according to her girlfriends she is way too upfront" me. You know how to get in touch.
Hope you had a fun New Years. Must admit it's not quite as fun going back to work as it is being on vacation. Hmmm, oh well.
Anyway, I was a little surprised by your phone message from Saturday. I guess really it just seemed like you had/have a lot more stuff going on that you are focused on. I called you last Tuesday, in the course of our playing phone tag, and didn't hear back until Saturday. At that point I just figured I wouldn't hear at all, that you were busy with other stuff.
But also, in your message a couple things struck me. First you asked what I was doing for NYE and where I'd be. I remember we talked about that over dinner at Levende; I told you I was coming back Friday and I even casually invited you to [a club/party]. In all honesty I figured you and your buddies would have something else going on, but it seemed like you at least liked the invitation, and I was glad about that. I knew the party would be a blast and figured you guys would have a good time too. Anyway, I guess I just figured that wouldn't have been forgotten. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter, and there's no reason to speculate. The message made me feel like stuff I had said either didnt matter or just went in one ear and out the other. I'm not trying to make a huge deal about this, because it isn't huge. But it's important to me. And I can't let myself get involved in something where I feel like I'm just one small thing on a large list, because that's not what I want.
That's not the impression I got from you, but I've had past situations where I've let every excuse in the book slide by. I wasted time, I let my feelings get hurt, and most importantly, I'm too smart for that now.
I'm not a high maintenance person; I feel you would know that. But the people that I let into my life are my heart. They are my heart. They are what make me wake up every day and work hard and challenge myself because I love them. And having been walked all over, I have become much more selective, weary I suppose, about letting people in. Because I'm tired of having people say "I love you" and knowing it doesn't mean anything. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. That has never, and will never, change. And I know that the people who I can truly say "I love you" to, mean it back. And I plan to keep it that way. There aren't very many, but that's life I guess.
Remember how on our first date you told me something along the lines of "oh if I meet a girl I like I feel like I always want to call her, and then I do, and it blows up in my face" or something like that? Well screw that. You know why girls do that? Because they are stupid and insecure and don't understand why a decent guy would like them, so when someone actually gives them positive attention they have to mess it up. They only "lose interest" because they don't have the self-respect to understand that that's what they deserve. I know because for a time, I was one of those. And it disgusts me. And now I can be so frank and up front that I think it freaks people out. All my female friends always say, "oooh, that's too straightforward, don't say that, you have to play the game!" Well I hate the game. It's ridiculous. And it just keeps us all rolling around in a spiral of self-doubt and even pity. It is a disgusting waste of time and energy.
And also, I've read some of your blog. I knew that you spoke more intelligently than most people that I've met, and it's clear that the same is true for your writing. Obviously you have a lot to say. I very much respect the fact that you have the courage, and the eloquence, to put your feelings down on paper. Most of the time, I can't even get mine out- whether on paper or to someone's face. I'm very jealous of you for this. And I must say I agree with your point that "happiness is acceptance." But what do you do when you are supposedly accepted by everyone else, and not yourself? And what do you do when you lose the energy to keep your "outside" so bright and shiny, that no one can see the murky darkness that is underneath? Let me just tell you that because I was so incapable of letting anything out that I simply had a meltdown. A nasty, painful, scary meltdown. I had to write about it in an essay for Duke, but they got the sugary, pretty version. So let me reiterate to you, I am jealous that you can put your feelings out there. I commend it. And I hope that, day by day, I get a little better at it.
So there you have a bit more about me. The real, undressed, "messes things up because according to her girlfriends she is way too upfront" me. You know how to get in touch.
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