What should I do about this?

From an email I got today:

Hope you had a fun New Years. Must admit it's not quite as fun going back to work as it is being on vacation. Hmmm, oh well.

Anyway, I was a little surprised by your phone message from Saturday. I guess really it just seemed like you had/have a lot more stuff going on that you are focused on. I called you last Tuesday, in the course of our playing phone tag, and didn't hear back until Saturday. At that point I just figured I wouldn't hear at all, that you were busy with other stuff.

But also, in your message a couple things struck me. First you asked what I was doing for NYE and where I'd be. I remember we talked about that over dinner at Levende; I told you I was coming back Friday and I even casually invited you to [a club/party]. In all honesty I figured you and your buddies would have something else going on, but it seemed like you at least liked the invitation, and I was glad about that. I knew the party would be a blast and figured you guys would have a good time too. Anyway, I guess I just figured that wouldn't have been forgotten. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter, and there's no reason to speculate. The message made me feel like stuff I had said either didnt matter or just went in one ear and out the other. I'm not trying to make a huge deal about this, because it isn't huge. But it's important to me. And I can't let myself get involved in something where I feel like I'm just one small thing on a large list, because that's not what I want.

That's not the impression I got from you, but I've had past situations where I've let every excuse in the book slide by. I wasted time, I let my feelings get hurt, and most importantly, I'm too smart for that now.

I'm not a high maintenance person; I feel you would know that. But the people that I let into my life are my heart. They are my heart. They are what make me wake up every day and work hard and challenge myself because I love them. And having been walked all over, I have become much more selective, weary I suppose, about letting people in. Because I'm tired of having people say "I love you" and knowing it doesn't mean anything. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. That has never, and will never, change. And I know that the people who I can truly say "I love you" to, mean it back. And I plan to keep it that way. There aren't very many, but that's life I guess.

Remember how on our first date you told me something along the lines of "oh if I meet a girl I like I feel like I always want to call her, and then I do, and it blows up in my face" or something like that? Well screw that. You know why girls do that? Because they are stupid and insecure and don't understand why a decent guy would like them, so when someone actually gives them positive attention they have to mess it up. They only "lose interest" because they don't have the self-respect to understand that that's what they deserve. I know because for a time, I was one of those. And it disgusts me. And now I can be so frank and up front that I think it freaks people out. All my female friends always say, "oooh, that's too straightforward, don't say that, you have to play the game!" Well I hate the game. It's ridiculous. And it just keeps us all rolling around in a spiral of self-doubt and even pity. It is a disgusting waste of time and energy.

And also, I've read some of your blog. I knew that you spoke more intelligently than most people that I've met, and it's clear that the same is true for your writing. Obviously you have a lot to say. I very much respect the fact that you have the courage, and the eloquence, to put your feelings down on paper. Most of the time, I can't even get mine out- whether on paper or to someone's face. I'm very jealous of you for this. And I must say I agree with your point that "happiness is acceptance." But what do you do when you are supposedly accepted by everyone else, and not yourself? And what do you do when you lose the energy to keep your "outside" so bright and shiny, that no one can see the murky darkness that is underneath? Let me just tell you that because I was so incapable of letting anything out that I simply had a meltdown. A nasty, painful, scary meltdown. I had to write about it in an essay for Duke, but they got the sugary, pretty version. So let me reiterate to you, I am jealous that you can put your feelings out there. I commend it. And I hope that, day by day, I get a little better at it.

So there you have a bit more about me. The real, undressed, "messes things up because according to her girlfriends she is way too upfront" me. You know how to get in touch.