Dating and such

I'm always reticent to speak about this topic in such an open forum, because I'm single, and single guys, by the very definition, are always looking, even if it's only a little.

The thing is, the very status of "single" has been on my mind a lot over the past week or so. I've got a crush, and it's placed a heavy burden on my normally cool, laid back self. It's easy to date often when there's not a lot of emotional involvement, but what do you do when you actually might want to buy the cow (see previous post, it's not a negative analogy)?

So, yeah, I'm feeling like a little bitch (as opposed to my normal smooth, or, at least, charmingly all-business, self).

I guess the reason I'm feeling like a little bitch is because I'm hoping again, so it's not all bad. It's pretty damn scary, though. I mean, I don't like being bitter and jaded, nor angry and cynical, but it sure is a safe place to be. Women can't hurt you if you never really expose yourself to them.

I'm not sure how to proceed. Writing off whatever hopefulness I have as childish or immature would be really easy and safe, but leaving myself open could carry such a prize.

There's also that nagging little problem that "leaving myself open" means I'm having trouble following the pimpin' rulebook. I mean, I wrote the damn thing (ok, we got "don't call for two days" from Swingers, but other than that, Alfie definitely deserves a byline), but I want to break those damn rules 10 times a day!

Someone told me not too long ago that if I'm not open, that if I just let myself be jaded, then my cheating ex wins. I remember responding with something like "since when is it a competition", which is totally valid, but perhaps I missed the point.

Maybe having a crush is just a visible sign that I'm "over it"?

Aha! There's the internal debate. Is my crush a symptom of growth, like the above would imply, or is it me slipping back into immature habits? Is this crush based on the fact that this chick is friggin' cool, or is it because deep down I know she'll treat me like shit? Or, at least, be emotionally unavailable and unappreciative?

I guess I already have my answer. Be myself, which means following most of the rulebook still and keeping my options open, but give her a fair shot. Aside from be ing completely present with her (I always am, that's part of "charming") and cherishing the hope that I thought was gone forever, let my guard down (and rip pages out of the rulebook) slowly. Oh, and it's ok to place some hope in her. I can handle it if she dismisses me.

(Am I killing my game if I admit I really hope this works out? Arrrrrgh!)

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It's weird. In re-reading what I've just written, it is striking how much self-doubt I have about my own feelings. Shouldn't I just KNOW that I'm into someone for the right reasons? Or not?