Can't Sleep, Time to ramble.

Someone said I sound like David Sedaris the other day. I was rambling a bit, talking about something actually mildly depressing, but in a matter-of-fact way that poked fun at the fact that it was depressing. Purposefully ironic, I suppose. Yeah, I guess that's Sedaris.

I felt complimented.

My google ads are down. Yay. I won't make my twenty bucks this month. Yawn. Apparently once they finally have enough to actually warrant paying you, they require that you actually verify your home address. Since I don't actually HAVE a home address, I never bothered to get that done. Fancy that. Guess good ol' mom'll have to email me the Goog PIN number when it arrives in the mail.

Super secure.

Been back at university now for a few days. Basically haven't left the house. It was kinda stunning to realize that I don't really have any friends here. I called the dozen or so girls that I started ignoring in November when I dropped off the radar, and surprise! most of them didn't call me back. I got three or four return contacts of some kind (facebook/text/call), but by the time they did I didn't really want to bother.

Then I totally flaked on a party last night. And the night before. Sigh. What's that feeling? Fish out of water? Tired all the time? Surprised when I look in the mirror?

Old.

I need some sun. And some sleep. I'm pale and have dark circles under my eyes. The ones that have been there since November. Yay.

SBH called tonight. It was awkward, then forced, then finally almost-relaxed. A subtle reminder, perhaps, about how shockingly little we have in common. Or that, perhaps, we're both depressed bitches over the holidays and it's the first time either of us has actually talked to anyone in weeks. Maybe that's it. Without that whole ulterior motive thing, anyway.

I miss her.

There's an 8am class I should probably try to get into in about 90 minutes here. Do I really wanna get up and try to do this? Or should I try to get into the time slot I'd prefer tomorrow and then go to an 8am next week if I don't get in? Sigh. I probably won't go to any of them in either event anyway. Who am i kidding. It's a stats class I could've passed in 8th grade. Oh, wait. Maybe there will be cute chicks in class. That IS why I'm here.

Grunt. Chicks.

Grunt.

I miss something. I'm just not sure what. Or who. Or how.

I remember, rationally, feeling amazing when I got back from Texas fling last year. I remember wanting to hold onto that and rejecting everything that had been getting me by, which of course sent me into a minor tailspin.

I remember, then, feeling like I was forgetting something. An emotion, perhaps, or some feeling of belonging. I wanted to hold onto it so I could go after it when I saw it again.

Well, I forgot. I don't even remember what it was I was trying to remember. Sweet!

Ignorance is bliss, after all.

I took one of those random IQ tests online a little while ago. I'm tired, and I wasn't really in the groove, but I scored pretty low. Well, no, not actually low, but low for me. Drinking really does kill brain cells. I'm living proof!

So if ignorance is bliss and alcohol makes you dumber, maybe you really can drink yourself to happiness.

Hmmm. We shall see. I'm dropping, what, 2 IQ points a year? Sweet. I'll be average by the time I'm 45. Should be able to find me a picket fence and "normal" chick, then. Cuz I won't be bored anymore. Heh.

I was just thinking about how I wished I had a girl in bed next to me right this minute. And then I thought, well, no... actually. Several faces popped into my head, and with most of them, I'm glad I'm alone right now. LOL.

I wonder if that's a catalyst or a result. The ability to sleep together. Like... for the bedmates one has where everything just fits (after the dirty fitting is, ahem, fitted, I mean), and you both have the same patterns, like needing a sheet or not, or each wanting your own blanket, or if you're both side sleepers, etc. I wonder if you have chemistry elsewhere and that just falls into place, if it actually effects your feelings about the other person, or if it's completely irrelevant.

I think that there is a correlation between level of emotional attachment and that chemistry. I've had the same girl feel like an extension of my own body one week and completely distant the next. Like sleeping with your buddy in a tent kinda distant. It's fine, not a big deal, but yeah, you'd really be more comfortable if you each had your own double.

The worst is when you want her to leave you alone and she just won't... stop... trying... to cuddle. When you wake up, cold, without a blanket, with no pillow and 8 inches of mattress on a king size bed. Jeeeezus, girl. What, did ya sleep with your mom til you were 19? daaaamn.

Cuddling is cute. Smothering isn't.

OK, I'm feeling tired now. Good thing my class starts in 80 minutes. (yawn)