Got to be cruel to be kind

Tonight I made someone I care a lot about cry.

I said, "I don't think I can ever love you the way you deserve." And I meant it. She deserves better than me.

She loved me. In as pure and healthy a way that any girl probably ever has. She never said so, but I could tell from how her body trembled in my arms, like someone pierced her heart with a spear and held it here while she died a painful death.

I was that someone tonight. I hurt her so bad. How could I do such a terrible thing?

I know (I think) what that feels like, I know what a terrible sensation it is to feel pain and loss so profound that you cry yourself to sleep and wake up in tears at your nightmares that used to be happy dreams. The same people with the same looks are there, saying things that might, actually, be wonderful, but a trembling soul has no joy.

I can't believe I became that person. I can't believe I let someone so good fall for me when I couldn't give it back.

I'm crying, now, not for me, but for her. I'm crying now, secondhand, like the moon to her weeping sun.

I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could love her the way she deserves. I wish I could be the Prince Charming she hoped I would become.

I'm sorry, Kait.