I finally read.

I wasn't sure what I'd find. I found more than I thought possible.

Can I link to it? Would that be ok? Would privacy be lost or trust betrayed?

Tre has been writing for a long time.

A lot of it is about me. A lot of it isn't.

A great deal more is about me than I was ever aware of -- even after the heartfelt letter she wrote me a few short weeks ago.

I don't know what to say.

--

I wanted to comment, but it felt like not enough. I wanted to explain "those girls on facebook are my cousins!" and "those people in Tahoe are coworkers and colleagues!" I wanted to ask for some sort of absolution for seeming improprieties... even though I actually have done nothing wrong.

Except, perhaps, for the lack of courtesy regarding her feelings... unbeknownst or not.

--

I knew on July 4. I didn't "know know" in the sense of the "L" word, the breadth and depth, the rawness of it all. But I knew.

I was in love with Melissa. I was willing to see you (hmm, guess I've switched audiences), because I knew that it was wise for me to get out of love with her.

I knew you were crushing and had been, at least sporadically, for a long time. You started to say something that day like "you mean more to me than..." but I don't remember the rest. I don't think you finished the sentence.

But we were both drunk, then, and it was a holiday, and I've always wondered, and you're a grown up, and even though I didn't love you back, I thought it would be a positive experience.

To be honest, part of me is glad it didn't work out. I do think that we'd have had a great time, and it certainly would have been less costly than what happened instead, but the reality of consummating those emotions while retaining many of the unrequited aspects... instead of being the distant stuff of daydreams and occasional pining, I might be the recipient of four letter words and a catalyst for even more cynicism.

And that would suck.

I think that, honestly, a part of me has pushed you away this whole year because I didn't want that. Better to be the subject of curiosity and wonder than a catalyst for cynicism. The world has enough of that.

I don't know what to say. I think that I might be getting better at the whole "blink" thing when it comes to potential mates. Just as a girl knows in 30 seconds whether she'd fuck a guy, I'm starting to believe I can make those calls about ladies in a date or two. The ones I actually date still represent a great deal of confusion, but when I know that I'm not going to be "the one", it's coming ever more quickly.

I'll never love you back quite like that, Tre. I'll never want to go to a Karaoke and belt out some 90s R&B in your honor. We could have a great time, and it might -- heck, probably -- be an enriching experience that teaches us both a great deal with very little in the way of "payment" that is heartbreak or betrayal.

But I'm not the one. And from what I know of you -- mostly through our interactions, but now, too, through the blog -- despite your actions to the contrary, you want/intend/desire to be an all or nothing girl. You got angry with me several times because I was temporary. Well, everyone is temporary... until they aren't. And even then, life is pretty friggin' short.

But I digress. This is a tangential argument -- the notion that sex involves "giving" something on the part of the girl, and "taking" something on the part of the guy. Lame. And even purportedly liberal, empowered, feminist women subscribe to this. Like I'm somehow going to like you more if I can't fuck you.

It's actually the opposite. With the exception of the virginal, almost-pure love I felt for Preciouse, I've never loved any girl until after sex. Usually quite a bit of it. Good sex helps me fall in love; bad sex prevents me from falling or pushes me out of it. No sex just makes me frustrated and actually think less of the girl (usually -- I'm not talking about "waiting til the X date" or "taking time to get to know each other", I'm talking about a gal denying herself even though she really wants to have sex just as much, or more, than I do).

But enough of that tangent. If you're really all or nothing -- then it's gotta be nothing. Because I already know.

And I guess, all silly arguments about sex, or whether or not I'm really charming or simply manipulative, or whether or not you really love me this much, or why it is that we never seem to actually hook up even though we've been dancing around it for years now... I guess that this is it.

I am sorry. Really.

:-(