back on the market

I started dating again. Out to dinner last night, out to lunch today, got a number at the St Patty's party I attended tonight.

I have what most guys would consider a good problem... women fall in love with me (or would, if I just went through the motions for another date or three), and my problem is that they just... aren't.

Aren't the one, or aren't the make believe, L-influenced version of what I now think a relationship should be, or...

I know from afar. I know often from the match profile, have a suspicion from the first email, the first phone call. I know. They're too old, or too cynical, or too tall, or too California. Too elitist, too set in there ways, too closed off, too too too.

And not enough that little girl I'm finally getting over. I know I am, because I looked at her profile today (thank you, facebook) and her 2700 photos posted, and I didn't feel anything. I just commented, out loud, on how young she is. And was. I still missed her, but I was more or less conscious that I was missing something make believe.

Or, at least, that's what I'm telling myself these days, that it was just fantasy at best, that despite how amazing I thought it was that she broke threw my cynicism and made me hope again, she was just a little girl, and it is and was foolish of me to miss something that never was.

At any rate, I'm not crying right now.

It's nice, I guess, to have some girl I just met laugh out loud at my ex and ask, in all sincerity, "how could anyone ever cheat on you?" It's nice to kiss a girl I've never kissed before, however awkward, and...

Oh fuck it. I'm lying to myself. this SUCKS. I date women who aren't worth my time. Kisses should not be awkward, even first ones. If anything, the only thing wrong should be that we both anticipate so much that we come on too strong, and a sexy nibble comes out a little too sharp. And I shouldn't sit across from an almost-pretty girl and try to talk myself into thinking she's cute, or interesting, or has potential. I shouldn't want to drink and drink and drink some more just so the conversation gets MORE interesting. I shouldn't think about going home and playing on the internet at 10:30pm on a Friday night because, well, that sounds like fun.

So? What then? I keep dating women who aren't worth my time? Or I stay celibate? Or I mold one of these barely good enough girls into someone bearable through manipulation and sheer imposition of my will? So I can maybe have good sex with one of them in six months? So I maybe talk myself into loving them if they stick around for a year? So I have someone to call at 3am instead of looking at pictures of the one that got away on the 'net?

I dunno, but I'll tell you what. I HATE THIS. It's not that I hate women. I mistrust them, yes, and I DO expect them to eventually leave me -- the only question is whether it's sooner or later -- but that's a far cry from hate. I don't even resent them for not appreciating. Because, truth be told, so many of them actually do. I'm a catch, and getting a real-time reminder of that is as easy as replying to one of the 10 winks a week I get on match, flirting a little bit with my words over email, and then wasting an hour drinking coffee with someone I might, maybe, if I suspend my idealism and hope for a few brief hours, want to sleep with.

But I want so, so, soooo much more. It's no longer about just being appreciated and nurtured. I want to appreciate in return. I want to look at my girl and think she's a goddess, even if we just spent all day and night together. I want to hear her on the other end of the phone and cry because I miss her so much, even when she's mine and I saw her just an hour before. I want to wake up without her and feel cold, because, goddamn it, I'm more used to having her there beside me than not.

I want to listen to "Such Great Heights" (Iron and Wine) and feel happy, not sad, because I know what that feels like and have that sensation every time I just pause to think about it.

So. The only question is... what to do until then? Do I just call up a fuck-buddy and have good, but non-rewarding sex occasionally until I find her? Do I keep dating like a madman in hopes that one of them will surprise me? Do I just, like so many women my age, just pack it in and accept a life of solitude?

Sigh. I hope too much. That little girl who came over to say goodbye tonight, saying "we're going downtown to Jupiter. You should come with us." And who, after a sorry excuse about my ride being a party pooper and wanting to bail, gave me her number without even blinking... a little tiny part of me, even as I can't even remember what color her eyes were, wonders if she could be... if she could be. Special.

Special. The one kinda special.