Another round trip

Kim came and left again.

I'm almost done with my bottle of wine. I actually went out to get it this time.

It's really, really good tho. PAP level wine. Mmmmm.

I'm coding. Yeah, for money. Well, at some point hopefully. Batch scanning for MC. Woot. Funny thing happens when you are three glasses deep and distracting yourself and no one is calling you. It all seems... less important. Which, actually, it was all along.

I am too hard on my people. It is a flaw. I need to be a better manager.

I am too hard on myself. I need to be a better human.

I am not really that hard on my women. They need to be better.

I loved her. But you see people in their true colors when faced with adversity. Faced with miscommunication. Faced with the unforeseen occurrences of life.

My phone wasn't sending SMS messages today. I didn't know this; it was the result of an unrelated change in service with AT&T yesterday. Some random chick in Louisiana hit "enter" one too many times. Not really that big of a deal.

Except that she felt like I flaked on her. Because I texted. And texted. And texted again, worried.

And she didn't get any of it. But, rather than ask about what went wrong, rather than think out loud about the possibility that technology might have failed, she chose to chew me out.

And I responded with silence. Then a defensive, "so you think I'm being disingenuous when I tell you I tried three times to reach out?"

And she called me a bad person. A flake. A liar. Insinuated that I was cheating. That she was last. That I wasn't capable of love. That I wasn't capable of having a relationship. That I had no regard for her feelings.

Sigh. Well... yeah. I do love her. But, well, fuck her. She was acting like a bitch. Perhaps, in fact, she is a bitch. But then, she probably has to be for me to love her, right?

Sigh again.

So... if I'm actually insane, if I actually crave this drama, some sort of need to prove myself, etc., and I've nonetheless channeled it into my work (MC has to rock, otherwise I'm a big fat loser, woot), then why do bitchy chicks have to be the only ones I'm attracted to?

Or, put another way, will I have to "settle" for some one that does not push my apparently insanity buttons - someone balanced, flexible, understanding, etc., yet not very tantalizing - in order to fake sanity? Or, in order to be... ugh. Successful?

I need a good woman to support my efforts. I need someone to pull me out of work on Friday nights, yet support me on Thursdays. Someone who tells me to go handle my shit on a random Sunday, yet convincing me that a week off next June is totally fine. Someone who supports my work, my gym hours, and my lot in life, yet pulls me out of it just enough to make me a better man than I am all on my own.

The problem is... that chick is out there. And I'll probably find her attractive and have sex with her a few times. But I'll find her boring and long for the next Kim.

Or the last one.

Is this the path? I have to settle for someone who feels boring? Or feel the bimonthly pain of someone I long for?

Is life really this limiting?