I'm ok today. I worked six hours, ran six miles, and drank six beers with friends. I have a date tomorrow with a pretty girl, and I today I saved my last house from foreclosure by cashing out the last of my retirement savings.
My baby (biz) is finally starting to pay off, and life is... full of empowering choices.
Some are stressful. Bitches break my heart. Sweethearts love me unrequited. Tenants are still leeching whores.
But customers show more love and patience these days. Employees, sans lil' bro, are amazing, respectful, and hardworking. And girls are always there... it is, perhaps, my fault for not simply choosing or settling. Missing the last one and the one before don't exactly help. Kim just announced via facebook that she has a new boy... it's struck me a little. Not really a big deal. Surely Mel's blog about fucking and loving her husband is far worse. But yeah, it all bites a little. Or stings. Whatever the verb is.
Sigh. Women.
There are lots of pretty girls out there. Lots who won't even cheat on me. Heck, there are quite a few who are pretty, will cook for me, and are good listeners.
Why do I want so much? Why do I give up on day jobs to struggle with my own startup, push away the Bries to be with the Kims, or entertain the crazy notions of love from a woman who goes home to another man?
Some days I think it makes me a better man. An innovator. A game changer. Ambitious.
Other days I think it makes me a fool.
The question is always the same. The wonder is always an echo.
Am I really holding out for something better? Forging my own path, waiting for the perfect circumstance, opportunity, or ideal package? Or am I just delaying the act of settling, awaiting the day when I choose from the ever-shrinking pool of available options?
I think that, maybe, I will never know. I think that these choices are half-chance. Mel could have left him, and it was nothing I really did or didn't do that effected it. I could yet choose to date/love/marry Brie and be very happy. RDDS could be the one. Someone I've never met could sweep me off my feet tomorrow... or Precious could show up on my doorstep and ask me to love her. Kim could come back and tell me she didn't appreciate me, either. I could run into any of them at a bar next week and we'll both wonder what went wrong.
Or it's all just bullshit. Maybe I just need to learn to like cock. LOL.
But, yeah... it's always work. It's always vulnerability. It's always scary with a dash of drama. It's always a leap of faith. It's always a mystery what makes one attracted, then crush, then love, then fall in love. Sometimes they are even independent... in love, yet not attracted. Weird, yes. But real.
Sigh. Life goes on. Love goes on. The high of being in love still causes the pain of heartbreak. Broken hearts still cause tears.
And tears are still feeling alive. And another sigh... and life still goes on.
Rinse, lather, repeat.
Happiness is probably not finding the perfect woman. It probably isn't running a successful company, or building a fantastic product. It probably isn't driving an Acura really fast nor a Ferrari.
Happiness is loving all of these things whether you have them or you don't. Happiness is being... all of the time. Present. Engaged. Pursuing something of value. Enjoying something simple. Believing in something bigger than you, whether it be community, a company, a cause, a god, or even a girl.
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I should end there. But my world is far too trite, too mundane, and too selfish to be quite so poetic.
I wish Brie were a little better in the sack. I could love her. But I think I'll want to cheat on her. And no, I wouldn't, but wanting to means I'll leave her. It's just a matter of when.
Bummer.
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