Dammit. I have a pseudo-girlfriend. She should be here to listen to this and comfort me! Sigh. Hopefully someday.
So, I think my mother's religion is a crock of shit. It's not even kinda good, other than that, perhaps, its followers are generally upstanding citizens, who work, don't steal, and only lie to themselves. Never mind that a good chunk of them beat their wives and children, there's a general disrespect of education, all types of celebratory rituals are outlawed, and the entire language used by the church is condescending.
But this is a not a polemic on how fucked up the people that proselytize at your door on Saturday mornings when you're hungover happen to be. (But while I'm ranting, how bad can you possibly be at sales? If I got it in my head that this was a good idea, I'd be sponsoring new membership weekly. What the hell are these imbeciles doing? Then again, I guess the product really is hard to sell. Ugggh.)
She is so brainwashed that she sees me as not a good man, solely because I am not a member of her church. I have never said anything as harsh as the two paragraphs above to her. I have said I don't believe that her doctrines are true, that I don't feel one lick of guilt about sex, or my cocky streak, or twisting the truth to make a sale or spare someone's feelings.
She nevertheless does not love her children because we have rejected her church.
Furthermore, she has no compunction about calling me arrogant and blaming that for the fucking fist fight my brother started last week. Excuse me? What planet are you fucking from?
Yes, I'm arrogant. Big fucking news flash. I'm good at most things in the fucking world. And I've have been extraordinarily successful by any measure, but especially given the short bus plan I was put on. Add to that a little repetition of "you're a piece of shit" at a young age and voila! Arrogant prick, at your service. Wanna fuck? No? Got a daughter?
Ok, that was over the top. But this shit pisses me off. It's like my cousin K from two years ago. "Alfie, you're fucked up in the head because you aren't married. You need counseling." Well, how about you bitches mind your own fucking business, because I was having a pretty good day until you decided to be a busybody. And a matter of fact, I've done pretty well for myself without any help from you at all. Especially you, mom. Where were you when I was being called a piece of shit and forming opinions about how the world worked from my enviable position on the short bus?
Dammit. This is not a rant about her shortcomings as a mother. This is about today. I find it highly audacious of her to even insinuate that my arrogance had any influence in my brother taking a swing at me. I freely admit that I act crazy at times. I freely admit that sometimes I question my own sense of "normal". I'm certain on this one. I'm right. That shit was fucked up. I don't care if made fun of his girlfriend, his mom, his penis size, and spit on him. You don't sock your fucking boss OR your brother.
Worse, I did none of that. I treated that dude really fucking well. Not too many kids have an older brother that buys them a house, a car, and then hires them after they drop out of college. Jesus fucking Christ. Just a few months ago I let him "permanently borrow" my 46" LCD TV. I don't have a TV at all because he likes watching fucking football. Hey, I'm not asking to be put on a pedestal here. But a little appreciation instead of scorn would be nice.
Let me have my arrogance. If you want to provide some insight, or some constructive criticism (thank you Mel), great. If you want to call me a cocky prick, fine. If you want to buy me a nice little pin that says arrogant mother fucker, I'll wear that shit for you for a whole afternoon. But if you take a fucking paycheck from me, you check your attitude at the door and you put up with it. You are welcome to call me on my shit. You are welcome to poke fun. You are not allowed to hate me, or slander to investors/customers/partners/coworkers that which you would not say to my face, or fucking punch me in the goddamn nose.
That my mother would choose to take this information and criticize ME for it makes me angry. Because, well, fuck her. Maybe you should've been a little more arrogant, mom. Maybe you'd have married a better man. Maybe my arrogance is a tool I can use to my benefit when I channel it properly.
Maybe your god is an arrogant prick, too. I'm just being more like him. Jerk.
So, yeah. I will make this really easy for my brother and my mother both. She feels conflicted about all of this because she can't have us all over for dinner anymore.
Well, news flash, mom. I haven't been a part of your family since I didn't have a place to sleep in your house at 11. With all due respect to you, your loins, and how hard you worked to get me to school, to make sure I had two pairs of jeans, and to put food on the table until I was left to fend for myself in junior high school, fuck off.
You can have the weak brother. I'm the strong one, I'm the one who will make it, I'm the one no one has ever worried about, I'm the one with seemingly infinite resources, I'm the one who will be there when you actually need something, when some shit actually hits the fan. I will be there and I will have resources and patience and wisdom because I don't fucking hit people. Among other things.
Until then, I'll be happy to eat my family dinners alone. I always have, anyway.
I think, in fact, that I'll tell her so.
--
Just emailed:
I am under the distinct impression that you blame me just as (brother) does.
So, you are welcome to not invite me to dinner anymore. I won't hold it against you. I'm a bigger man than he is. If you choose to invite me back after some length of time, great. If not, I shall still be here when called upon.
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