I feel thankful for nothing. I am grateful only for the basics. Wine and a place to live. Barely breathing, barely realizing good ol' Maslow had a pyramid.
Bastard shoulda put more levels on the thing. Breathing? Level 2, my friend! Heh.
Barely makin' it.
The girl is lost. Tomorrow I will push her away (again), and when she stops calling, she won't be back. None of them ever come back.
Hopefully this way I won't hate her. I'm hating her a little bit every day now... resenting the broken promises, the last place, the no place.
My mom tells me she loves me and acts excited to see me, but never has my back. My girl tells me she loves me and acts excited to see me, but...
I'll never have faith in her if I finish that sentence.
I'm starting to remember that feeling of cynicism. Recalling that faith is stupid.
--
I can't sleep. So tired I can't stand, so angry I can't rest, so hurt I can't see. So spent I can't cry anymore.
It really is quite... pathetic.
Broken.
--
The confidant count is slowly fading. I think I might be down to zero.
Can't tell the religious friend I'm screwing a married chick (or was). Can't tell the sister I think mom's a self-righteous bitch. Can't tell the cousin I'm broke. Can't tell anybody I just want to be a depressed mopey bitch and cry for a month. Can't tell the girl... oh, yeah. That.
Put them all together and I have a whole person! Yay! Just like if I put together a frankenstein chick from my list of ex-GFs I might actually have a good one! Double yay!
--
She said tonight that relationships were hard, that they were work, that this was part of it.
Part of it for you, maybe. Putting up with my incessant demands for, oh, you're PRESENCE.
Not part of it for me. I am not gonna sit around being last place while you go home to another dude. Fuck that. That's not work. That's just bullshit.
Work is Kim. Work is Kaitlin. Work is (oh god) Amanda. Shaping, pushing, growing them. Adapting. Assimilating. Arguing. Compromising. Work is learning to put up with reality TV or struggling to stay physically interested. Work is setting boundaries and enforcing them.
Oh. Yeah. I guess this counts on that last one. Except I'm FUCKING BREAKING UP WITH YOU. That doesn't seem like work. That seems like the end of the damn relationship!
--
I feel unhealthy today.
Broken everywhere.
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There is a reason to be thankful everyday. There are things to be grateful for in every moment of life. In your darkest moments, dig deep and find a reason to carry on. The simplest pleasures in life bring joy. A safe car to drive, the warmth of the sunshine feeding life, the kind smile from a neighbor as you drive down your street. There are hundreds of things to be thankful for, sometimes you just have to be thankful for the little things.
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