Today I learned that my mom doesn't actually like me. It matters not what I accomplish, or how nice I am, whether I marry a fine young lady, what I buy her, or how good of a brother I am.


I furthermore believe that the guidance she can offer me in life, love, or random facts to be limited.


Humm. Perhaps that is too harsh. Perhaps I'm just hurt that she doesn't actually love me. I mean, yes, she does, but it's almost a matter of duty. She love me because of my biology. She love me because I remind her of being a mother, of making her smile just by saying her name however many years ago. Nostalgic affection.


But where it counts -- having my back, loving me without judgment, appreciating me for my both in spite of and because of my (fill in any adjective here) -- nope.


It is a sobering epiphany.


Today I'm grateful for being able to enjoy a moment. M. came by today. Twice. I played hooky. She lay in my bed with me for a time, noting my distance, feeling my presence without the same warmth I had two weeks ago.


The second time, we made love, teary, close, intimate, and present. It was like nothing was different. And so it is -- the sensation of being in love, of not feeling sad about where she came from, about how we only have workday hours and no weekends, about where she will go home to in a few short hours time. 


She shared that she felt she was supposed to push me away. That she was not supposed to be with me. Funny how she forgot to mention that when the decision was actually made. 


I'm not mad at her about that... I think that good intentions make that readily forgivable. I'm also quite sure I was, and have been, wearing a rose-colored hearing aid at many points in our relationship.


Sigh. "[Alfie], I need you. I can't be away from you. I can't let you go." feels so damn good.


It seems the whole world is telling her that I am but a fling. A distraction, perhaps. Or a catalyst. Or just an enemy to be despised. 


I've never had this sensation before. This experience of having a woman love me and not being free to experience it. Part of me is simply confused... those chains are in your mind, girl! Lincoln abolished slavery almost two centuries ago! And another part of me is starting to realize that maybe I just don't understand what marriage means to her. Or is it what the husband means to her?


No matter. Today I am choosing to have faith. Tomorrow I may be lost and depressed and lonely again. But today, I will enjoy how her love feels, despite our questionable status, the relative lack of wisdom, and the incredibly long shot said faith may well represent.


Today I will just be in love and enjoy it.