Today I only had oak floors and cabernet

I woke up today, and it wasn't even Christmas, and I didn't want to get up. Nothing awaited me other than work I didn't want to do. Nothing inspired me to start the day. Nothing. The truth is… that I miss Lauren. That I tasted a life that I've only dreamed about, with a girl that loved me (or treated me better than love has ever felt... oh how so much more pathetic is that...), a family that accepted me, and... Well. That's all, I guess. That's all I want. I suppose the girl has to be attractive and smart, with an accepting attitude that isn't judgmental, but yeah, that's all I want. -- Girls never stay. People never love. Fathers never... anything. I want to die. Today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

What should I do about this?

From an email I got today:

Hope you had a fun New Years. Must admit it's not quite as fun going back to work as it is being on vacation. Hmmm, oh well.

Anyway, I was a little surprised by your phone message from Saturday. I guess really it just seemed like you had/have a lot more stuff going on that you are focused on. I called you last Tuesday, in the course of our playing phone tag, and didn't hear back until Saturday. At that point I just figured I wouldn't hear at all, that you were busy with other stuff.

But also, in your message a couple things struck me. First you asked what I was doing for NYE and where I'd be. I remember we talked about that over dinner at Levende; I told you I was coming back Friday and I even casually invited you to [a club/party]. In all honesty I figured you and your buddies would have something else going on, but it seemed like you at least liked the invitation, and I was glad about that. I knew the party would be a blast and figured you guys would have a good time too. Anyway, I guess I just figured that wouldn't have been forgotten. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter, and there's no reason to speculate. The message made me feel like stuff I had said either didnt matter or just went in one ear and out the other. I'm not trying to make a huge deal about this, because it isn't huge. But it's important to me. And I can't let myself get involved in something where I feel like I'm just one small thing on a large list, because that's not what I want.

That's not the impression I got from you, but I've had past situations where I've let every excuse in the book slide by. I wasted time, I let my feelings get hurt, and most importantly, I'm too smart for that now.

I'm not a high maintenance person; I feel you would know that. But the people that I let into my life are my heart. They are my heart. They are what make me wake up every day and work hard and challenge myself because I love them. And having been walked all over, I have become much more selective, weary I suppose, about letting people in. Because I'm tired of having people say "I love you" and knowing it doesn't mean anything. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. That has never, and will never, change. And I know that the people who I can truly say "I love you" to, mean it back. And I plan to keep it that way. There aren't very many, but that's life I guess.

Remember how on our first date you told me something along the lines of "oh if I meet a girl I like I feel like I always want to call her, and then I do, and it blows up in my face" or something like that? Well screw that. You know why girls do that? Because they are stupid and insecure and don't understand why a decent guy would like them, so when someone actually gives them positive attention they have to mess it up. They only "lose interest" because they don't have the self-respect to understand that that's what they deserve. I know because for a time, I was one of those. And it disgusts me. And now I can be so frank and up front that I think it freaks people out. All my female friends always say, "oooh, that's too straightforward, don't say that, you have to play the game!" Well I hate the game. It's ridiculous. And it just keeps us all rolling around in a spiral of self-doubt and even pity. It is a disgusting waste of time and energy.

And also, I've read some of your blog. I knew that you spoke more intelligently than most people that I've met, and it's clear that the same is true for your writing. Obviously you have a lot to say. I very much respect the fact that you have the courage, and the eloquence, to put your feelings down on paper. Most of the time, I can't even get mine out- whether on paper or to someone's face. I'm very jealous of you for this. And I must say I agree with your point that "happiness is acceptance." But what do you do when you are supposedly accepted by everyone else, and not yourself? And what do you do when you lose the energy to keep your "outside" so bright and shiny, that no one can see the murky darkness that is underneath? Let me just tell you that because I was so incapable of letting anything out that I simply had a meltdown. A nasty, painful, scary meltdown. I had to write about it in an essay for Duke, but they got the sugary, pretty version. So let me reiterate to you, I am jealous that you can put your feelings out there. I commend it. And I hope that, day by day, I get a little better at it.

So there you have a bit more about me. The real, undressed, "messes things up because according to her girlfriends she is way too upfront" me. You know how to get in touch.

drunken responses

You know how in war movies one side hates the other? And it's not so much about "japs" (ww2) or gooks (viet nam) or whatever, it's about what the soldier became because he had to kill those enemies? Because they were out to kill him? It's not you I hate. It's what I have become because of you. It's not what you did that I cry over. It's what I have lost because of you. It's not what your actions destroyed that I miss. It's the faith, now gone, that I miss. It's not you I long for. It's the fantasy I created about you that I crave. It's not your love that I need. It's the love of the person I thought and hoped you were. Melodramatic, yes. Intense, certainly. Real, always. You talk of connection, but I remember only the lies I sought so hard to believe. You talk of friendship, but I remember only how I was never good enough. You talk of your family missing me, but neglect to admit that YOU miss me. You talk of calling on holidays, but you didn't, and I sought the affection of someone new and pure than the faraway phone call consisting of your distant, unfulfilling wonder. I miss her. I don't miss you. I miss the person you took from me. I still don't miss you. I miss the feelings I apparently made up about you. And, yet again, I don't miss you. Or anything you stood for. I'm sick of not being good enough. I work my ass off for approval from everyone and everything, and the fact of the matter is that you were the one person who was supposed to accept me the most, and you failed. You were supposed to be just there. You were supposed to be in my corner. You were supposed to be everything I was to you. You were none of those things. You were callous and cold, distant and disloyal, unaccepting and unappreciative. I loved you for all that I thought you were. I even loved you when I found out I was wrong. You never loved me back. You never loved me at all. I wish you could take it all back. I even let you try. But you cannot, and I am left with nothing. I never knew how to love, 'tis true, but I had a good idea. Now I don't. Now I fear. Now I hate. Now I distrust. Now I am alone in a crowded room. I feel one glimmer of hope, from a little girl who is just nice for nice's sake. And I think it's a form of love, because whatever shred of love I knew you took from me. You send me a message "out of the blue" that prompts me to look at how you're doing, check on your myspace, wonder about your life. I refer to you when my friends ask me what girl would be "smart enough" or "challenging enough", and my friends roll their eyes and say, "you have such high standards when you talk, but you accept such low standards in practice." Because they know what I only know now, a year hence. They know that you never loved, never appreciated, never hoped, never foresaw, never dreamed, never... anything. You simply compared how I licked your twat with the other 20 guys you were fucking at the time. I remember feeling guilty for going out with another girl. I remember not daring to engage other women because of you. All while you were "seeing other people" Then I remember feeling guilty because an ex called, because an ex asked how I was doing, because an ex myspace'd. Because an ex got my attention for 12 seconds before I told them about you. All while you were "getting the attention I didn't provide" And I turned up, asking, wondering, listening, hoping... and you sent me a link to some bestseller about how you know in an instant whether something is right for you or not. If it was so instant, why are you writing me now? Why do you miss me so? Why do you wonder about me? Why do you still "love" me? In that "special" way that only you can? Why do you still try to taint my experiences? Why can I not just chase some little girl across the country because she makes me feel special every time she looks at me? Because she appreciates me for so much in three days when you never did, at all, in three years? Do you write me today while your new boyfriend sleeps beside you, dreaming of all the ways that you're cheating on him? Asking you directly, and peripherally, and nonchalantly, and not at all why it is that you just won't love him the way he deserves? Do you write me today because you're unhappy, because you know you let go the only man who has ever loved you in spite of yourself, rather than for how much you try to satisfy the perceived whims of the San Francisco every-man? Do you write me today to make me cry at 5am on a weekday night as I lament the loss of the first girl since you that made me hope? Do you write me today to make me miss the naive, if discouraged, little boy I used to know inside of me? The naive little boy who died a million deaths at your hands? The naive little boy who believed in you with his whole soul, only to be told he wasn't worthy of your love? Or even your loyalty? -------------------------- Trying again: I thought of you on Thanksgiving. I thought of Jenna and Lynn, Steve and Kevin, Maddy and spooky, bedrooms with two light switches, and "slow down" signs faced the wrong way. I thought of you and green beans, red wine, and that silly apples and something card game. I missed that familiarity even as I was wondering if the experiences I was having at the time might someday be familiar. I have trouble reconciling the "good Laura" I loved and the "bad Laura" I scorn. I have trouble remembering how much I loved you while trying to fight back the tears at the loss of the good man I have trouble remembering. I have become all of the things I criticized and hated -- being 20-something and always moving, always dating, never committing, never hoping, never allowing, never open, and damn well never loving. I miss the naive guy who believed in fairy tales. And most days of the week I blame you for killing that great guy. I'm sorry for that. I'm not sure why, really, because when I think of the end, I hate you, and everything since. But I'm sorry anyway. Because.... I love you still, even as it pains me to admit it. Writing it makes me cry. Not to long ago a little girl made me believe again. I don't know how she did it, but she did. I hoped and loved for just a moment in time, and it felt so damn good. I felt like me again. I may well spend a lifetime trying to capture that again. You never told me how you felt. You never told me anything except how I wasn't quite good enough. Do you know that? Do you know that, even in the best of times, I felt like I had something to prove to you? Do you know that I never felt good enough, strong enough, buff enough, fit enough, fast enough, tall enough, anything enough in your eyes? I thought I didn't need that. I thought I could achieve and accomplish enough so that none of that would matter. But I do need that. You were supposed to have my back. You were supposed to be in my corner, even if no one else was. I thought that you were the one. I need it and I deserve it. I'm not just good enough, I'm great! I'm sure you're reading this, almost laughing to yourself, because you know it's true. Then why didn't you ever tell me that? Worse, why didn't you treat me that way? Why didn't you believe it yourself (because you wouldn't have treated me the way you did if you had)? I suppose it's your turn to prove yourself worthy. Your turn to work for my acceptance. On 12/13/06, Laura D wrote: Think about it... it's not meant to be bad thing. If you view it as such, it's probably not a good idea. Just know that I meant what I said in my email, and my intentions are good. I'm not trying to make things worse. On 12/13/06, Alfie wrote: The first thing that crossed my lips when I read this wasn't very respectful. I think I could handle talking to you. There are lots of "buts", however. Lemme think about it. On 12/13/06, Laura D wrote: I sent a holiday card to your PO Box yesterday, which was a pretty odd experience. Not that act itself, obviously, but sending it felt like I was sending it off into oblivion not really knowing if and when you'd get it, where you're living, if you're even in the country, etc. when a year ago I knew just about everything. In any case, I just wanted to tell you that I sent the card because you've popped into my head a lot in the last few weeks, and I was thinking of you. It sort of started with Thanksgiving when my family asked where you'd be spending it (yes, they miss you), and I said I didn't know what you were doing. I was kinda curious because I know you sometimes get a little bummed out during the holidays. I didn't want to call though, because I wasn't sure if it was appropriate, and I didn't want to ruin your holiday if you didn't want to hear from me. This prompted me to check out your blog, and doing so lead me back to checking out your blog more than once where a few things caught my attention (I won't address those here because the purpose of this email isn't to engage you in any kind of dialogue that you don't want to engage in with me... just to let you know I was thinking of you and why I sent the card.) Anyway, I noticed you have written a few introspective/life purpose type in your blog and that always makes me wonder what's going on with you. Not that you need or want to tell me anything, but I feel like we did connect in certain way that few people do, and reading stuff like that makes me wish I could still talk to you about things like that, and sometimes I wonder if you, too, miss talking to me about things like that. Despite the way things ended, I feel like our relationship (both the friendship and the romantic part) was so unique that it seems unfortunate that as adults we can't learn how to be friends, especially after we were both a such a huge part of each others' lives for 3 years. I'm not asking you to take me back as a friend or trying to engage you in dialogue. I know I hurt you, and I screwed up, and I don't deserve that. I just wanted to tell you my door is always open should you ever decide you can or want to talk again, and you know where to find me (well not really, because I moved... but you know what I mean.) So if you ever decide there is a place for someone like me in your life, I'm here and would love to see you or talk to you. When we said "goodbye" back in March, you told to call you on Christmas or something. I guess this is my version of that because I don't want to call you on Christmas if you have no desire to hear from me and it's just going to ruin your day. However, I also didn't want December to go by without ackowledging the passing holidays and wishing you well. So that's it... just wanted to wish you well and let you know I still think about you, and I care about your happiness... I'm not really expecting a response, but I'd be delighted to receive one...or a call on Christmas. And if not, have a great 2007, and I'll try again next year ;) Best wishes, Laura

Chocolate Box

From Word of the Day, http://wordsmith.org --

This week's theme: desserts used metaphorically.

chocolate-box (CHO-kuh-lit boks, CHOK-lit -) adjective

Having a romanticized beautiful image; stereotypically pretty.[From the kind of pictures often seen on boxes of chocolate.]-Anu Garg (garg wordsmith.org)

"But to accept that is merely to endorse a patronising, chocolate-box image of the country -- to see it all as pretty lanes, thatched cottages and rosy-cheeked lasses milking cows -- and to turn a blind eye to the reality of rural life today." Anna Morrell; An Everyday Tale of Randy Rural Folk; Western Mail (Cardiff, Wales); Nov 9 2006.

--

HMMMMM. "Chocolate-box" made ME think of a black girl's special place. I just hollered at a cube-mate of mine and asked what he thought it meant, and after a thoughtful grunt, I heard and inquisitive "Butt Love?"

You learn something new every day, huh?

(I did also check urbandictionary.com, and they had nothing to say on the matter.)

Farming vs Hunting

Approaching women is different depending on which field you happen to be playing on.

Bars, clubs. the lady on the street, and parties are generally hunting-only locales. You either enter the room, weapon in hand, and strike, or you go home. There is some freedom to these venues, because you probably won't see any of these people again, so if you totally stick your foot in your mouth it really doesn't matter. On the other hand, it's pretty hard to be a Sensitive New Age Guy here. Nice guys don't finish at all here. Neither do nice girls (generally) respond.

No, my dear conversationalists (if your tongue is your strong point and you're not wittier than chris rock, this is you), you need to find a farm. This is someplace where you see the same people over and over again. This could be the gal at the coffee shop who makes your latte, any of the hotties at the gym, or the classroom. It could be an office mate or that cutie up in apartment 920. This is the case where you make casual conversation, flirt your ass off, then leave them hanging and DON'T try to close the deal. Talk to them here and there for a month or two, then open the dating bag someday when you're feeling on top of the world. You ever notice how no girl says no on those days? Well, this is perfect, because you get to WAIT until one of those days turns up, then go and harvest!

Really, though, you need both methods, because unless you move around a lot, you tend to start farming in your own backyard after awhile. And no one wants to be THAT guy. Well, unless you're sure the girls at Starbucks are talking about your nine inch penis and not about what a jerk you were for not calling back. (lol)

That hope thing

I’ve decided I’m a hope whore. I’m cynical enough so that I basically never have hope in the first place, with anyone, but every once in awhile circumstance and serendipity toss it on my lap and I can’t help but feel it.

Then I get a little psycho. I become a little needy, obsessively attentive, and basically worship the ground she walks on. I overlook little clues that I’m coming on too strong, that she really isn’t as wonderful as I’m imagining she is, and that in another week or two I’m going to be left wondering what the heck happened.

It’s a pretty rare occurrence — that cynicism thing keeps my hope in check and the alfie playbook actually allows things to grow organically to a point — but it still happens once in awhile.

And I still feel like a big fat idiot.

FTW. Or not.

Yeah, so, I’ve been home less than a week and ended the membership with my female representation in two area codes.

Well, sorta. I told a partial truth to one of them, and was critical of another. Basically I’m ending relationships because I can’t stop thinking about LB.

I keep telling myself it’s fantasy, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like Zach Braff at the end of Garden State. I just keep wishing I’d turned right around in Austin last week and not come back.

So… I broke a date with Sarah last night. I knew she’d want to have sex and I just couldn’t face that.

I went out with Dawn on Wednesday. FTW, huh? She was stressed out and bitchy as hell. I kept looking across the table at her and wishing she were Burckey. Then I challenged her, asking her if she was passionate about anything but her work and her literature. Then I asked if there were any room in her life for a guy like me.

She apologized at the end of the night “for being bitchy and distant” — after I’d so nicely massaged her despite my urge to just get the hell out of there.

Quite a disconcerting change from last week when I thought she was the one. Instead of a sophisticated, brilliant woman who was focused and driven, I saw a bitchy, judgmental, self-centered woman who was lacking depth and hunger. I’ve been asking myself if it was me sabotaging things for my real desire to be Lauren, or her just showing her true colors. I think it was more about the latter than the former — especially combined with my newfound joy at being really appreciated by someone (god, I love that about her).

So much for Future Trophy Wife. Sigh. I called her the next day in an effort to reassure and got her voice mail. She hasn’t called back yet, and I don’t think she will. C’est la vie.

Then tonight I saw Alison. We went to sushi, had a great time, and she came back to my place and wanted to have sex. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the desire at all. As she was sitting there next to me hinting at it, I just kept wishing I were with Lauren.

So I told her. Not the whole truth, although “you know the movie Garden State? Well, I found my Natalie Portman back in Austin” certainly crossed my mind. I told her I was confused and that I wasn’t ready for anything serious, and that I was reticent to get into anything, especially with someone like her, who deserves to be treated well. Of course, I verified first that she was looking for a relationship, because that was my out.

I figured that was nicer than, “I’m not into you, I never will be, and I just want to fly 1800 miles right now to spend the night with the girl I am enamored with.” Ya think?

Goddamn it I miss Lauren. I did NOT expect to feel this way. I look at her picture every day, she’s the first thing I think of when I wake up, the last thing I think about before I fall asleep, and I want to call her 10 times a day just to hear her voice.

If Thanksgiving goes well, I’m going to take her seriously. Commit to her seriously. Move across the country seriously.

I can’t believe I’m talking this way, but I don’t care. It’s nuts and crazy, but it feels so good.