Drifting back to the melodramatic

This entry is as it says -- probably to personal, definitely worth skipping, and only of interest to me when I reread it a year from now.

So I couldn't get to sleep last night until 5am. Maybe I'm being obsessive. The worst part is that my laptop power cable is back in California, so I couldn't even catch up on work I've been putting off for weeks.

It's hard to forgive people for things when you keep reliving the crime in your head. One of those lame wannabe psychotherapist/spiritualist/oprah "mentors" built a whole career on that premise. "He only raped you once, but you've relived it a million times." Um, yeah. Life really works that simply. And the relief I feel when I cry in your lap does feel pretty damn good until I need another fix in sixteen hours.

So anyway. Insomnia last night, lots of yawns today, a trip to Starbucks for lunch. Six shots of espresso can fix this, damn it!

Gawd, why am I such a bitch?

--

OK, I'm not going to publish this. It's going to stay in drafts forever. Time to come with it.

I hate so much about this situation with Laura. It's literally driving me crazy. Where before I thought highly of her -- and of how I looked in her eyes -- I now think she's a slutbag. Every time she doesn't answer her phone I think she's cheating. Every time she emails back a little too fast I think she's got too much time on her hands and is taking more photos to send to some other guy.

I used to think that I was more special than I obviously was. She was dating a million other guys and having lots of sex, and I thought I was special and somehow was better than all the rest. Actually, I flat-out didn't think there were any in "the rest". I thought it was limited to some occasional flirting and a first date here and there.

I thought I was the asshole.

I guess I was. Just not in the way I thought. Looking back now, I wish I'd totally ignored my feelings and just cheated as often as possible. Or not "cheated" because we were "ambiguous", but cheated inside.

Pretty much every chick I've ever been with cheated. What's the point of being a good man?