(Slutbag),
There are some things I need to get off my chest. Everything below is, in a word, raw. The first part is kind of a rant. It comes from my own need for closure. The second chunk I say because I care so much about you -- I feel, in some ways, if I had said this sooner we'd still be together. And lastly, I ponder the question "where do we go from here".
You can skip right to the end and read it backwards if you want. It might be more fun that way. :-)
I miss you.
(the rant)
I've been spending a lot of time with friends... the ones I hang out with all the time, plus some I haven't seen in ages. I've needed to... as you may or may not be able to relate to, I'm devastated, and being alone is very hard.
The thing is, everyone says the same thing. The responses are so consistent that I wonder how I could have believed that it was even possible for me to forgive you so quickly, especially just on your word.
And that leads into what I want to say... I already kinda said it before, but I need to make it absolutely clear.
You said you felt that you had never given "us" a fair chance. You were never sure that it would or wouldn't work, and now you are -- it wouldn't.
You're wrong. You never gave us a fair shot. You never returned the loyalty, devotion, and respect that I gave you. When you ended those other "relationships" in October, it was too little, too late.
What you did was cheating. It was wrong. My response since then, my insecurities, my passionate pleading for you not to do things (or wear things) that remind me of it... all of that is, actually, relatively normal. (Even throwing your shoe. It was a temper tantrum, and I was drunk and felt trapped. The shoe, unhurt, forgave me.)
You don't understand my behavior because you don't think what you did was wrong.
And that's the single biggest reason why I couldn't forgive you. You saw my pain and empathized, yes, because that's Lola. But you didn't -- and, I believe, still don't -- understand just how incredibly wrong, disrespectful, wounding, and, in fact, abusive what you did was. To put it in perspective, I would rather get physically hit than be cheated on. Even the admittedly watered-down version of cheating in LolaLand.
Girls don't "do that all the time". At least, good girls who love their boyfriends don't. Or even good girls who don't love their boyfriends, for that matter. It doesn't matter what Rose says. She's not qualified to make that call. She's not exactly girlfriend material, as I think you'll agree. Granted, she probably will be someday, but that's irrelevant here.
And so I come to the final point I want to make. We didn't break up because I wasn't "the one". That's a cop out. We broke up because of your cheating. The only thing I ever did wrong was to take you back so quickly. Maybe if I hadn't wanted to believe in you and "us" so much and had instead let you experience the pain of your fuck up you'd understand a little better just how bad a transgression it was.
Instead I was left to feel the pain all alone, showing you mere glimpses in moments of weakness when I couldn't bear the burden single-handedly. Remember that I couldn't even call upon my friends for solace or encouragement... to share that with them would have doomed us even more quickly.
When you looked at me, as we were parting, and you said I deserved better, you were right. I was really, really good to you, and you spat upon my devotion to you. And that was our downfall.
My rant is finished. I don't intend to bring it up again -- not to you, not to my friends, not even to my journal. No matter how our relationship (friends, romantic, ambiguous, whatever) moves forward in the future, this will never again be an issue.
(the request)
One thing I would ask of you -- beg of you, in fact -- comes from a good place. Get some help. You have things you need to talk about, get out on the table, and deal with. While in some ways I just don't know you, and perhaps never will, I feel that the behavior I've seen you exhibit and the rhetoric you've expressed towards both sexuality and dating just doesn't fit in with how empathetic, introspective, and caring a person you are. I know that's not my rose-colored glasses talking, it's the truth. It's why I'm so very much attracted to you. I see other things in your everyday behavior that might be related, too, but they're far more subtle.
You need to seek out the help you need to get your darkest shadows exposed and expelled. How you do it is your own journey, but it's important. Just remember how happy you were -- yes, with me -- in October before I found out. One day you'll find that bliss again, and you'll sabotage it again if you don't get your head fixed.
I suppose in my own delusions of grandeur I thought I was strong enough to weather the course, that doing so would somehow help you deal with your trauma. I'm sorry about that. The pain we've felt over the last couple of months probably could have been avoided if I'd been able to be more objective on and immediately after October 13.
(where do we go from here?)
Now that I've said all that, I love you and I miss you. While I no longer think that being in a committed relationship with you is a prudent choice, I do want you in my life in some form. Maybe that means dinner once a month when I visit the Union St law office. Maybe that means Chipotle and style advisement. Or maybe that means a return to ambiguity, which would perhaps be nostalgic, yet somehow healthier than how we've been since our "tragedy". I suppose if we're both destined to date superficially for the next several years, we may as well be superficial together, knowing that, deep down, we both love each other.
I guess we'd need to talk about that.
Love Always,
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