crying alone

Woke up crying. Don't remember specifics.

Turned on my "good night" playlist. U2 just made me feel like no one understands instead of reminding brotherhood. Freefallin reminded me that mel isn't here. Coldplay just hurt. Adele made me miss kait and 2008 and college and simpler times.

Regina made me feel lonely. Colin hay reminded me that no matter how much I cry, no one ever hears, no ever understands, and through it all, I'm just considered an asshole.

Well fuck you. Fuck you all. Take ur judgment, take ur mothers, take ur own selfish pain, take ur worries, take ur dismissal, and shove it.

I hate you. Until you've walked a day... Just one fucking day you goddamn self centered shortsighted whores! -- in my shoes, you take your bureaucracies, your corporate numbers, your cash flow problems, your unemployment checks, your state paychecks, your 8-5s, your debts, your bonus plans, your flakey internet connections, your security concerns, your indecision to sign, your concerns over HER fucking heart, your jealousy, your bad days, and your quid pro quo, and you ask yourself if you can sleep at night.

You ask yourself if you really need to pile your petty little needs upon atlas. You ask yourself if you need to judge someone.

You ask yourself if I give a flying fuck if you think I'm an asshole b/c your left nut can't talk to your right nut and I talk down to your whole goddamn cock b/c it is not my fucking problem.

You ask yourself if I have a payroll of my own to meet. You ask yourself if I can tell you and your mom to suck a dick and still go get a corporate job making triple what your whole sorry little license payment amounts to by myself.

You ask yourself if you get to go home to a warm bed and loving vagina that doesn't cheat on you, then wonder if I do.

You ask if anyone loves me. You ask if you're lucky, if maybe I could use a goddamn thank you instead of a another demand. You ask if I'll be an alcoholic too one day not b/c I'm genetically predisposed, but b/c it's better than fucking dying.

You ask god to look out for me, maybe, instead of preaching about hellfire. If he's so fucking loving maybe he could carry me now. Prick.

You ask yourself when the last time you really bawled was. Cry your eyes out, lonely and miserable, shut the fuck up because the neighbors may hear bawling.

Then ask if you can hear me. Ask if god can. Ask if anyone can.

I pick up pieces for the whole world. I reassure when I need more than anybody. I provide security when I can't even sleep. I have compassion when I need to be selfish more than ever.

So fuck you and your petty needs. Fuck your judgment of me. Fuck cockiness and assholes and selfishness and condescension.

I am the most generous guy you've ever known. Why don't you make the world a better place and fucking notice.

--

I'm not done crying yet.

You're supposed to be here! If you can't be here at my lowest point, when will you ever be?

Talk about needing you now.