I found her new blog

I don't know why I searched. But I did. And I'm smart enough to find even hidden things on the internet pretty quickly.

She's a really cruel person. So angry. So hateful. So not therapeutic.

I will do my best to not read again. I will do my best to remember her the way I do in my dreams.

--

I suppose, if I were being really honest, that the only woman I've ever been in love with who wasn't a selfish bitch (redeeming qualities or not) was, ironically, slutbag Laura.

I am really bad at this love thing. Heh.

Maybe I should seek therapy. For real. That I could fall for someone so cruel and self-centered... so head over heels with someone this inconsistent, this dishonest with herself....

There is something wrong with me. I felt the inclination to run, and I didn't listen. I loved her already. I even broke up with her, only to backslide again and again. She finally broke me, and I let her have me on her terms.

I don't feel stupid or sad. I feel... lucky.

But I'd like to change it. I'd like to feel that way about someone who is good for me. Someone who is capable of loving me back -- and loving the world around her. Someone who really makes me a better person, not just a more materialistic one. Someone who is incapable of spite, who considers others when acting and reacting.

I've dated plenty of them. Why didn't I fall in love with them, but I cry over Mel and Kim, Chrissy and Manda, Laura and Lauren? Kait or Brie will be fine mates to some lucky bloke someday. It could've been me in either case. Was the fact that they never went to the gym really that much of a deal breaker?

Sigh. Yes, it was.

And some of her cruelty is certainly echoed in my own blog. I am guilty of venting through words too. It is my fault for seeking it out.

Still.... it was quite a shock. "The one who will be crying won't be me." Ouch. So direct and heartless an attack.

I think I've only ever been that way about Laura. But it was 5 years before I ever told her, and it did it in a pretty neutral way. How did it go? "I know you probably already know this. I know that it was written all over my face when we had that drink a couple of years ago. The thing is... you wounded me so deeply that, even now, years later, a part of me really hates you. I'm sorry, but while I can be friendly, I can't actually be friends with you. I do, believe it or not, wish you well, but I don't really want to keep tabs." Then I asked her to say hello to her family for me.

Sigh. Why did she have to cheat? I would've married that girl.

I would've married a lot of them, actually. I want to be married. I want to give up new vagina and have to check in before making plans with the boys.

But anyway. I was telling myself that I might need some help. Apparently I can only fall in love with bitches. That's a bad thing. I should fix that.

Now, I have to ask -- it is my spiel, after all -- is it lack of options? Is it just that I'm attracted to assertive, confident women, and these women are all self-centered whores? Is it possible that the walking contradiction actually doesn't exist?

Or is it me?

--

But normal chicks are terrible in the sack! No, really! Their idea of adventurous is fucking doggy style. That's not adventurous, that's first base! Shaving downtown should NOT be a favor, it should be a given. I WANT to hear an apology when she's in need of a wax or a shave. It's not that it's that big of a deal, really, but it's not special to stay groomed. Ugh. It should be normal. Golden rule does apply, yes.

I digress. It is a conundrum. Frank married a girl who is NOT a freak in the sheets, something he laments often, just so he could have a good mother to his children. And they seem healthy and happy, while I am married to my work and better at flirting than I am at managing people.

--

I still don't understand how she could say she loves me so much and flip the switch to cruel hatred so quickly. Did those words mean nothing? Do they always mean so little?

Is the world really this cold and dark? I don't think so, but I keep writing a version of this entry again and again and again.