She came over.
So did hubby hubs. We were having sex. She was telling me she needed me. She said she was scared of loving me so much. She was looking at me the way people in love do. She smiled, twice, in the way that I think maybe only I get to see.
I heard some yelling outside, and a few moments later, there was a vicious knock at the door. It was him. She said so. I said, in understatement, "that's bad."
And she was gone. I told her not to go out there. I told her not to leave. I wish I'd said it more forcefully. I wish I'd pointed out that opening the door on a crazy angry husband would be really dumb.
But I didn't. My landlord/housemate was already outside, already had called the cops, already had ruined his night.
I think she felt an urgency to leave partially because she thought he would be arrested. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I was always wrong about her. Maybe she was playing us both.
My heart says no, but as with many things with her, the behavior doesn't seem to fit.
She opened the door. I let her. He rushed me. It wasn't very effective. Diving at someone's neck doesn't really work too well in a fight. He was trying to wrestle with me and I was just gearing up to punch him in the head -- maybe I did, actually, I don't remember -- when my housemate rushed in and tackled him. I jumped up and grabbed his left side, telling my housemate not to worry, that I wouldn't attack him (I thought about it for a split second).
The two of us -- more the hero of the hour than me, admittedly -- then easily subdued him.
Sigh. I have to go work now. In a nuthsell:
Cops came. He spit at her and called her a whore. I didn't press charges. They went home. I wrote her a few thinks on Bberry Messenger (bbm).
By 2am she had unfriended me on BBM. By 2:45 I got this:
------
I made a commitment to a man. I promised to love him and care for him and be faithful to him, just as he made a promise to me. This is not to be taken lightly. Philip is kind, loving, gentle, caring, and most of all, he is the man I chose to be with. He has seen me through some painful times in my life and he has made a commitment to see me through the worst. I have been selfish, unloving, self absorbed, and worst of all, unfaithful - in mind, body, and spirit.
I need to make amends with my actions, and that begins with you. I have told you before, that our relationship was not built on a foundation made to last. Well, more like an erupting volcano actually. I am a broken mess, I am lost in my life and turned to you to fill a void in my marriage and in my life. It felt good to have someone care about me, take care of me, show me they love me. I needed to feel important to someone, like my life mattered and give me what I wanted deep down, not the cars and a big kitchen, but passion, excitement....intimacy. You gave me everything I wanted, despite the apparent pain it caused you, me, and eventually my husband. One time you told me he would find out...then he did. And again you said, "babe, you know he'll find out again, it's just a matter of time." And like always, you were right. When I turned around tonight, I knew I should say no to you. I knew I should turn right back around and go home to Philip. Little did I know, he had installed a GPS in my car, he watched me drive to your house, while I talked to him and told him I would be home soon. I have caused a wake of destruction in my path of infidelity. I have hurt the one man that has always stuck by my side, and if I am lucky, will continue to do so. I have hurt you over and over and over again, despite our desire to end the relationship with a clean break.
I'm sorry for coming into your life like this. My deepest desire is to wipe this all clean, to go back to day one, and make the right decision. The decision that I have always made because I cherish Philip's love for me. It's too late, I am more broken and more lost now then I have ever been. My marriage was shattered, and now the pieces have melted in a fire. I have very little to salvage now, but I need to try. I love Philip. You will never know the man I fell in love with, but if you know me as you say you do, then trust that I made a decision based on history, evidence, logic, reason, and faith.
If I am lucky/blessed, I will come through the other end of this long, dark tunnel strong, selfless, loving woman. And next to me will be the man I love and will always love, Philip.
I am sorry [Alfie]. I love Philip, he is a good man, a loving man, and I want to heal my marriage.
I need to make amends with my actions, and that begins with you. I have told you before, that our relationship was not built on a foundation made to last. Well, more like an erupting volcano actually. I am a broken mess, I am lost in my life and turned to you to fill a void in my marriage and in my life. It felt good to have someone care about me, take care of me, show me they love me. I needed to feel important to someone, like my life mattered and give me what I wanted deep down, not the cars and a big kitchen, but passion, excitement....intimacy. You gave me everything I wanted, despite the apparent pain it caused you, me, and eventually my husband. One time you told me he would find out...then he did. And again you said, "babe, you know he'll find out again, it's just a matter of time." And like always, you were right. When I turned around tonight, I knew I should say no to you. I knew I should turn right back around and go home to Philip. Little did I know, he had installed a GPS in my car, he watched me drive to your house, while I talked to him and told him I would be home soon. I have caused a wake of destruction in my path of infidelity. I have hurt the one man that has always stuck by my side, and if I am lucky, will continue to do so. I have hurt you over and over and over again, despite our desire to end the relationship with a clean break.
I'm sorry for coming into your life like this. My deepest desire is to wipe this all clean, to go back to day one, and make the right decision. The decision that I have always made because I cherish Philip's love for me. It's too late, I am more broken and more lost now then I have ever been. My marriage was shattered, and now the pieces have melted in a fire. I have very little to salvage now, but I need to try. I love Philip. You will never know the man I fell in love with, but if you know me as you say you do, then trust that I made a decision based on history, evidence, logic, reason, and faith.
If I am lucky/blessed, I will come through the other end of this long, dark tunnel strong, selfless, loving woman. And next to me will be the man I love and will always love, Philip.
I am sorry [Alfie]. I love Philip, he is a good man, a loving man, and I want to heal my marriage.
--
I replied this morning with what amounted to "bullshit, tell me something in your own words" and she replied with "It's over [Alfie]"
I spoke to her for a moment this morning, but then her mom called and she hung up on me. Then I called and she called back and we talked for only a moment. "You're really breaking up?"
She sighed and said "Yeah."
Funny story... what makes me believe it? Facebook. She unfriended me on Facebook. Second time in two days that's happened.
I'm getting more unpopular by the minute.
--
Quick feelings?
Dumbfounded. Appalled. Violated. Confused.
I don't really feel hurt. Not yet, anyway. It's all too fresh. I don't feel angry either.
I'm mad that this asshole attacked me.
I'm mad that she left without even saying goodbye.
But I'm not really angry about it yet. Just... violated (him) and confused (her).
--
Right now, I still think she'll come back. What I should do or say when she does? Search me. But that's what I think and feel.
Just yesterday she was telling me that she was leaning toward having that dreaded convo with him. About leaving him. This doesn't make any sense at all. Maybe all I ever had to ever do was treat her badly... spit at her and call her a whore. Maybe the world really is that backward.
--
It's pretty funny that my "oh shit, this might be real" moment was based on our Facebook relationship, though, isn't it?
Hmmm. Starting to feel that little twinge of anger now. I am last night's leftovers, as always. Humph.
I'm sure I'll have some thoughtful things to write in the next few days.
No comments:
Post a Comment