Grandfather's Funeral

Today was a hard day. Yet another emotional hurdle in a season of relative tumult.

I was late, not because I was overbooked like usual, nor simply being flaky. I was late because I was scared. If kk (lil sis) hadn't needed me, it would have been very easy to blow off entirely. I thought everyone in the family hated me. Like I said to kk yesterday when she asked if I was coming, "well. If it's about respect for Grandpa, then of course, no question. But if it's just about supporting the living, well... [step-grandma] probably won't come to my wedding, and you'll forgive me."

She talked me into going anyway. I didn't want to. I didn't want to see my father. I didn't want to miss my grandfather. I didn't want to see any of the aunts and uncles that I haven't seen since I was five.

--

I was pleasantly surprised.

Not at first. My father sat behind my siblings when I got there, and kk motioned me to sit by her. He kept whispering in our ears. I wanted to flip him off. Once I turned full around to glare at him.

He was nevertheless surprisingly civil, actually.

Afterwards, I spent some time with my aunt and uncle at the local ice cream joint that Grandpa had taken all of us to, all of our lives. We traded numbers...

sigh. I started this entry earlier today, but now I don't want to finish it. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow for funeral part 2.

--

Mel left today. I don't know how I feel about it yet. Other than that I'm disappointed, of course.

--

It was kinduv a rough weekend. Yesterday I was so miserable I couldn't skate. Today I was so scared of facing my "family" I sat in the car and needed kk to beg me to come in. Tonight the woman I love left me.

I feel surprisingly... mellow about all of this. I suppose that, good or bad, my ability to deal with dire circumstances -- crisis -- is pretty remarkable. It is probably a function of being abused and neglected for so long.

It also makes me a little worried. I wonder how much I'll need to act out in the next week or two. Heh.

--

You know what? A little part of me is excited to put all of this behind me and get back to work. I'm worried about all of the stresses of life... houses in foreclosure, vacancies, dodgy new hires, stupid cash flow problems, partners without solidarity, stupid brother shit, bleah bleah bleah.

But not that much. Somebody said today that my grandfather used to say, "whatever the problem, just start chipping away at it, and it'll usually work out."

He's right. I've said as much... when you're stressed out, make a list and start working it. I'm pretty sure my other blog has a version of this in it a dozen times.

Being treated like poo by a girl kinda fucks with your head sometimes, I guess. Sigh.

I'm not sure if I should've "known better". I'm not sure I regret anything. Part of me wants to fall back on that, of course, but... it did feel really good. It felt dramatic and chaotic and unhealthy.

And it was human. It made me feel alive. It made me feel hopeful, optimistic, and joyous. It even made me have faith. Not a lot. But some.

I guess I'd give just about anything to taste that... even if it hurts.

--

I guess, oddly, I don't feel abandoned. Usually I do.

I'm not sure why.

That's probably why I'm not angry.

Yet.