Struggling for Catharsis

I can't even tell if it hurts yet. I feel such despair, but I can't cry, I don't miss her yet, I'm not angry, I just feel...

low grade PTSD. Heh. That's what I feel. I can't concentrate, my hands are shaking, and I don't feel like anything is actually wrong, I just know I don't feel right. I don't feel normal.

I feel broken.

If I were an alcoholic, I'd be drinking. If I were and addict, I'd be using. If I felt comfortable leaning on someone, I'd be leaning. If I really loved old movies, I'd be watching them.

If I could escape, somehow, some way, I would do it.

But I don't know what to do

I'm a workaholic. I'm a gym rat. I'm a skater and a dancer. I run.

And right now I just want to lay in my bed. Right now I want to sleep without nightmares, cry without self-pity, hope without feeling foolish, and love without being let down.

Right now, a part of me wants to roll over and die.

Right now, a part of me is, actually, dying.

I feel weak. I feel bad. I feel stupid. I feel empty.

I don't feel the world on my shoulders today. I suppose there is that. I instead have that feeling of overwhelming pressure from my feelings themselves. I have so much welling up inside, trying to escape, seeking catharsis, yearning for closure, desperately needing resolution.

I want to cry and scream and whine and beg and yell and wail. I want these things all at once, I want them now, I want to understand, to have peace, to...

--

She just called.

She was harsh. A bitch even.

She went on and on and on about her and Phil and history and a bunch of other bullshit. She was saying it for her benefit, not mine. Convincing herself.

"You said once that if I could turn to you and say 'I want to be with Phil. He will make me happy.' then you would let me be. Well that's what I'm asking for now."

I'm pretty sure she sneaked "if you love me, you'll..." in there.

I asked her, after much difficulty finding the words, if anything she ever said to me was real.

She said no. There was other contextual information, about how I made her feel great, about how she meant it at the time, bleah bleah bleah.

I repeated it. "You said that everything you felt was fake. It wasn't real. You never loved me."

She invoked logic. Of all the fucking things. Logically we can't be in love.

She still said no.

I said, "Well. Mine wasn't fake. I wasn't playing make believe."

She said "no one loves me as much as he does". I said "how dare you. I'm not gonna talk shit, but how dare you. That's not fair. How dare you!"

The only breadcrumb she gave me was "if we had met in different circumstances, if we were both single, if we could have built a relationship on trust, without deceit, without hurting anyone else, then maybe things would have been different."

I told her that my love wasn't deceitful. That I'd have done anything for her. Married her. Loved her forever.

She just said "Sorry."

And that was that.

--

I want to hate her now. But I can't. I just feel... like I've lost something. Naked, even. Bare. Stripped.

And a little stupid. Maybe a lot stupid.

I should've corrected her the first time she said the L word. I should've invoked logic and said, "you can't love me, you don't even know me," instead of letting myself be open. Instead of thinking about her and how I felt when around her, how I felt like we could do anything together. Instead of falling in love with her in return.

Sigh. I don't really believe that. I'm a romantic when you strip me bare. I want to believe. I want to hope and have faith and fall in love in three dates. I want a fairy tale. I want to imagine a future together after two weeks and wonder how we ever survived apart after three.

I just wish it had lasted past the ballpark. Past the orange sweatshirt and True Blood.

I shall miss her. Even in spite of how foolish I feel, in spite of her harsh words, in spite of the dysfunction she has brought to bear on my lonely cynicism.

At least she never named our future children. Well, actually, she probably did, but I couldn't deal. Heh.

--

I guess I don't feel that PTSD sensation anymore. I'm not shaking. I guess there is some relief in the closure.

I'm pretty sure I'll need to cry in a short while, though.

:-(