I broke a glass today.

Mel gave me three gifts before she left: a bluetooth speakerphone, a pair of champagne flutes, and a broken heart. Well, I suppose there are shattered dreams in there, too, but I wanted to write with a little whimsy today, not be a downer.

Today I broke one of the champagne flutes. I was washing them and it slipped out of my hand and hit the side of the sink. Completely random chance.

The fact that it felt like a bigger message from the gods is really all in my head. But the timing sure is... poignant.

Anyway.

Today I was reminded that "at some point, you really do have to take people at face value and trust them at their word." It was a nice reminder that stuck in my head. My belief in her was not an act of stupidity, nor even of faith. If anything, I am courageous for taking the chance and letting myself believe. It's a pretty normal circumstance... people do selfish, stupid things all the time that cause broken hearts. People break up every day. I am probably no better for the experience, were I to be completely honest. But I am no worse either.

And I'm sure that I've learned something, even if I cannot yet articulate it. Maybe not to date married chicks! Heh. There is always that, I suppose.

(Thank you J. I really appreciate how much you've been checking in on me.)

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TM has already gone. We had a two minute conversation last night. She said that she had been out with a guy a few times before she met me, and that while I'm awesome, she felt really torn. She feels that she should give this other fellow a fair shot and focus on him to see where it goes. She said I'm awesome, that she feels that it might be a mistake, but that she didn't want to waste anyone's time or hurt anybody.

I told her that, while unfortunate, her honesty was refreshing. I found it kind of sweet, actually.

It is neither here nor there... I wasted a few dollars and a couple of evenings and met someone honest with themselves and with me.

I think that, cosmically speaking, it was exactly what I needed. A little reminder that there are plenty of honest, well meaning pretty girls out there. Even if my timing is bad.

Combined with the champagne flute, it was just that much more symbolic of my new, post-Mel world.

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I think seeing her cruelty made it easier in some ways. I am not really mad at her, even though I feel like I should be -- dishonesty, cruelty, dismissal, cheapening of our relationship, attacks on my character, etc. The list is long.

What I do feel is better. Aside from the minor insomnia, I'm really happy to get back to my "normal"
life. Tomorrow I'm going to work til 10pm... and I'm looking forward to it! It'll be nice to catch up, to feel the fulfillment from my work, to revel in my remarkably drama-free life.

Heck, with my brother gone now, I don't even have anything to rant about. I guess I'll have to go back to writing a business blog. Heh.

--

I think, in my little peabrain, that my lack of any lasting anger is a sign that I really cared. That in spite of her craziness, I still love her (not so) deep down. Perhaps I'm choosing to see her as simply confused and needing distance and dissonance, even though the idea that she never loved me at all may be the actual reality.

Besides, forgiveness feels really great. I get to move forward, living a life with minimal stress and enjoying the pleasure of simplicity: creating good products, working with smart people, playing a lot of basketball, dating pretty girls, and enjoying good food, good drinks, and good company.

A part of me, of course, realizes that I am forgetting her. Her smell, her embrace, and the depth of her stare are already almost a memory of a memory. Waking up next to her is already gone. These are now only fleeting visualizations, like a montage in a movie, not the breadth of the experiences. It sucks. Those were really good memories.

I do still remember that special smile.

That made me smile, just now. I hope I can always remember it.


Cheers, Melissa. Cheers. I hope your life is as full as you believe and hope, both today and always.

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